My battle with Infertility///Up Close and Personal with an IVF Athlete....Part 8
Today marks exactly one week since we received the news that our second round of IVF failed. It seems like it was just yesterday. I got the call at 8:30am, and at 11:30am I was still laying on the floor in disbelief and a pool full of tears. How? How could this be? This time was supposed to be different, I felt different, I felt good, I felt hopeful........ But those same words that were said to me on December 18th, were said to me again on March 25th, "I'm sorry, but you're not pregnant!"
So, what has my week been like since the bad news? Well, it has been a lot of ups and downs. I spent all day Friday in our house alone while my husband worked. I managed to eat 4 slices of pizza, half of a stromboli and a bowl of ice cream! Why not?! I have nothing to be excited for right? The rest of the weekend was tough, because yet again another holiday was upon us! It was EASTER. Yep, you guessed it, Easter egg hunts and Easter baskets...Ooh how fun and exciting, unless your dream of having a child was just crushed into peices! But, I live to fight another day. Monday comes and it is back to work... I own a business so there is nothing less then smiles, laughter and pretending everything is fine. I can't let my sadness and grief filter into work. I am stronger then that. Each day I began feeling a little more hopeful, hopeful that one day we will be parents of Baby Armstrong.
We spoke to our Doctor, and we came up with a plan...... Try a third and final time. Luckily we have two embryos that were able to be frozen that we will use this last time. So come the end of April (because again, we need to save up another $5K) we will begin the 8 week process all over again. We also started talking through and getting ready for Plan B... Adoption. We both agree, and always have that it would always be an option for us. Who wouldn't want us as parents?! So we have set up appointments and meetings to get plan B in place in case we get Strike 3.
So now the honesty part....... How do I really feel? I feel shitty.......I feel frustrated........ and I feel like a failure. However, when those feelings start to come over me, I take a step back and think...... I am thankful for my true friends who are always there for me...to just call, text or make me laugh. All of you know who you are....and all of you will always have a special place in my heart(and will be the first I call on for babysitting). I have had distant relatives send me rosary beads because she thought it would help with all my prayers, I have had friends give me meaningful gifts that I can wear everyday to remind me how strong I am, I have friends that might not know what to say, but they say it through a token of love, a kind word, and sometimes just a pat on the back. You see, I have learned through all of this (and maybe it will all fail and this is what I was supposed to learn from it) that true friends are true friends no matter how often you talk to them or how long it;s been since you have seen them. True friends can be people people you may have just met a few years or months ago or they may be someone you played soccer with and has never left your side. I count on those people and if there was a way to let them all know the love and adoration I have for them then please show me how.
**Note: These blogs are for me to open up and possibly help other women who may be going through the same thing but are afraid to talk about it. They are for me to tell mass amounts of people that if you have the courage to stand up and fight another day, then do it. I am a very healthy person, and in better shape then most 40 year olds. I am working very closely with my Doctor, my coach and a nutritionist throughout this whole process, so while I know most of you are just trying to help......I would ask that if you don't know what to say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. Please do not tell me that I should try and lose weight because that is what worked for you, or maybe I should go gluten free, or try and sell me skin care products because maybe mine are making me infertile.
"Infertility is a disease, just like diabetes or cancer. Telling someone with infertility to just relax and you will get pregnant is the same thing as telling someone with cancer to just relax and you'll be healed" ..Infertility Awareness