My battle with Infertility///Up Close and Personal with an IVF Athlete....Part 9
PART 9...... THE LAST 2 WEEK WAIT!!
It was 7:00 am on Monday July 11 and as I stood in the kitchen preparing our juice for the day, I began to break down. I broke down in a way that I never have before. It was the uncontrollable sobbing, unable to catch your breath, don't know what to do sobbing. At that very moment, it finally HIT me, this was IT. This is our last chance. Our entire year of trying to have a baby of our own came down to this one final day. As I pulled myself together with the help of my more then supportive husband, I made my way to the gym. Many of you will say "I can't believe she went to the gym!" I ask you to just stop and think for a minute. The gym is my work, my stress relief, my safe place. It is a place where I can control how I feel and what I do. It is a place where I can forget about my own life and only think about those whose lives I am changing. So before you make a comment about my gym time, just stop and think of why I do it.
You see, we began this IVF journey on September 24, 2015. In those 10 months, I have given myself over 127 injections, taken a little over 325 pills and have driven to Charleston on day trips 35 times for various appointments. I've done all of this while maintaining my work schedule and running a business. I have only missed days when it was Doctors orders. I have tried to do it all with a smile, with hope and with a positive attitude.
So how do I feel after the transfer is now what everyone asks..... To be completely honest, I feel overwhelmed, I feel stressed, I feel hopeful, I feel sad, I feel nervous, I feel guilty. There are times when I feel so hopeful. So hopeful that I have actually picked out our nursery. So hopeful that we have our baby names ready. But then there are times when I am just preparing for that same phone call again, the call of disappointment, the call that would crush our dreams. It is a very difficult feeling to wrap my head around. I know that if we receive that call, we will begin the adoption process and that there is a precious little baby out there waiting for us, but it is still a very difficult pill to swallow.
Someone recently said to me not knowing our situation, "Money can't buy happiness." That person clearly hasn't experienced Infertility. Currently we have $25k left to pay on our $35k loan and will be even further in debt if we go the adoption route. So, that is where the feeling of guilt comes in. I have guilt that I can't easily have our own child, I have guilt that these bills have added up and might continue to add up in order for us to expand our family..... I never thought I would ever have to answer the question: How much would you pay for your child(ren)?
Stay tuned for results:.............