Am I a bad mom for feeling that way?
"When I look at you, I CAN FEEL IT. When I look at you, I AM HOME”.......
Reading those words now, describes exactly how I feel about our son, Henry. I have never been so in love with a human before. It isn’t a better or deeper love than I have for my husband, it’s just different.
But lets take a look back four months ago..... Exactly four months ago, I was laying in my hospital bed after having Henry through C-Section. Those two days that we were there, we had lots and lots of visitors, Doctors and Nurses were in and out all day and night, and I was trying to take it all in. I was trying to figure out and learn how to breastfeed, how to swaddle, how to teach Henry day from night, all the while I was still texting, emailing and making calls from my hospital bed regarding the sale of my business.
On March 9th, Henry, my husband and myself came home! Now what? Well, most new moms talk about the initial bond they felt when their child was born. The undescribable bond between the mother and child. But I didn’t feel it. I only felt 50% there with him. I didn’t feel that I was able to give more. I didn’t feel that rush of emotions that I was told I was “supposed” to. I think mainly because aside from the terrible PPD that I was experiencing, between every feeding, diaper changes and naps, I was on this very computer sending out emails, creating programming and posting to social media for the business. I was trying to keep a tiny human alive and keep a business alive at the same time. The new owners and myself felt that it was the best idea to keep the sale quiet until it was 100% final, so that added a little more stress to my daily routine as well. Aside from our family, a few close friends and my coaching staff, nobody knew what was happening. How could I spend years with some of these people that have become friends and keep them in the dark, but that was the decision we all made together.
So I felt that only 50% of me was with my son. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him and care for him because I did. I still thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me, a blessing from God, but I wasn’t feeling that ‘bond.” I was scared to take him anywhere. Besides not wanting him to get sick before his vaccinations (yes we vaccinate Henry), what if he cries? what if he poops? what if he needs to eat? how the hell does this car seat with one million harnesses work? These are all things that would run through my mind with the thought of taking him anywhere, so it was just as easy to stay in. I was a new mom. A new mom with PPD, stress of a business and trying to keep this little person alive and on a schedule.
But now it’s April..... April 24th to be exact. It was a Saturday morning, and I woke up feeling different. I woke up with no stress. I woke up and didn’t check my computer for emails, I didn’t post to social media and I realized that this was the last day that I HAD to drive to the gym. Was it sad, yes, but was it a relief, yes. You see, this was the day that I decided that following your heart is always the path to take. I decided that choosing my family, and my son made my life complete. God blessed us with Henry and this is what I was called to do. To raise him, to watch him grow and to be his best friend (for now). So from that day forward, Henry and I have lived a life that is indescribable. We go everywhere together. We meet friends for lunch, we go to our favorite Happy Hour spot with Daddy, we started swimming and we have even been to the library for story time. We go everywhere and anywhere together, we have even mastered the art of attaching the car seat to the golf cart. We are unstoppable!
So do I regret or feel badly about only having 50% to give him those first few weeks and not feeling that “bond” immediately? NO. I don’t have regrets and I don’t wish it happened any other way. It happened that way for a reason. Maybe the reason was to make me realize that family is always first. That following your heart is always the best decision. In these short four months, Henry has taught me so many things. He has taught me patience, compassion and not to judge. We are all moms, all trying to be the best we can be with what we have. It might look different than someone else, but it doesn’t mean it is wrong. I know there are plenty of mom’ out there who felt or feel this way, and I am here to say, it is OK.
***For those out there who might be experiencing this, PPD or any other mixed emotions, contact me. I am here to support you!